The Ministry of Health and Propaganda, as the competent administrative authority pursuant to Section 80, Paragraph 1, Letter g) of Act No. 258/2000 Coll., on the Protection of Public Health in the Protectorate and on Amendments to Certain Related Acts, as amended (hereinafter referred to as "Act No. 258/2000 Coll."), hereby orders, in accordance with the procedure pursuant to Section 69, Paragraph 1, Letter i) and Paragraph 2 of Act No. 258/2000 Coll., to protect the population and prevent the risk of the emergence and spread of COVID-19 disease caused by the new coronavirus SARS-CoV-2, the following extraordinary measure valid as of January 1, 2025:
AND.
From today, the wearing of deep-sea diving suits with a full-face helmet is REQUIRED throughout the entire territory of the pandemic protectorate.
Exceptions:
Pensioners and the disabled do not have to wear fins.
Justification:
According to the SPČR (Divers' Association of the Czech Republic), there has not been a single case of transmission between people of the same or different sexes in a protective deep-sea suit.
II.
It is further ordered that all prisoners serving their sentences have one leg amputated.
(After evaluating the study, it can later be applied to the wider public and at-risk groups)
Exceptions:
Prisoners with one leg or no legs. (Medical reports must be provided, not older than three months)
Justification:
According to a study by scientists from Oxford University, it has been proven that a prisoner with only one limb moves 50-90% slower than one with two.
In addition to slowing the spread of the disease in prisons, this will demonstrably prevent escapes.
III.
All children under the age of 15 will be taken from their families to detention facilities - collection will take place every Tuesday and Friday from their permanent residence address.
Children can also be dropped off at the following collection points: Behind Sanatorium Dr. Flegra 6, On Marshal Prymula Square 3, at Dušek's Victory Arch 2 and Levínského sady 13.
Justification:
According to several renowned foreign studies and the opinion of leading epidemiologists, children are treacherous carriers of SARS-CoV-2 and should be treated as hazardous and toxic waste. (Cooperation with trapping and pest control companies possible).
IV.
Starting tomorrow at midnight, curfews will be imposed on people with odd-numbered letters in their names every even hour, and on people with even-numbered letters in their names every odd hour.
Exceptions:
Family members with different names when walking DOGS or CATS (Coronavirus Measures of the Czech Republic).
Justification:
The spread of COVID-19, caused by the new coronavirus SARS-CoV-2, will be slowed down by at least 50% with this measure - (or also by 40%, 30%, 20%, or something like that, or maybe not at all).
IN.
Contacts between regions with different PSEM are prohibited.
Justification:
The purity of the PSA breed is a priority for this government from a breeding point of view. Several studies of German Shepherds and Dachshunds from the USA point to the harmful consequences of crossbreeding (spine curvature, lameness, chronic drooling).
VI.
Restrictions on entry to stores
Starting next Monday, in exceptional cases Wednesday or Friday - depending on the leap year and the outside temperature, ONLY one person is required to be present in each store.
If the store is staffed by a salesperson, the salesperson must leave the premises immediately upon the arrival of a customer.
Justification:
The more plum trees, the less lawn, but more worms and plum brandy.
VII.
I can't think of any new measures, and besides, no one reads them anyway and no one follows them at all. But Generalissimo Babiš said that the measure should be longer and have at least 7 points - it looks more professional, he said. Of course, the analysts from Oxford also supported it.
Justification:
We made a bet with the guys from Strakovka. They say that human stupidity is to keep everything purely linear, but the guys from data scientists said that it is more like exponential and therefore actually infinite.
Minister of Health
(I didn't even sign because I probably won't be here tomorrow, so at least I'll save the forests)
You will best support my work buys books,
if you don't read, you can and otherwise....
